The Necessity of Feeling Bad Sometimes

"The dear old human experience is a singular, difficult, shadowed, brilliant experience that does not resolve into being comfortable in the world. The valley of the shadow is part of that, and you are depriving yourself if you do not experience what humankind has experienced, including doubt and sorrow. We experience pain and difficulty as failure instead of saying, I will pass through this, everyone I have ever admired has passed through this, music has come out of it, literature has come out of it. We should think of our humanity as a privilege."

--from the wondrously fine writer Marilynne Robinson, in an interview in The Paris Review, as reported in an essay by Meghan O'Rourke in a column for The Week.


And I thought I was the only one who feels I failed if I'm unhappy. Apparently, everybody and their sister feels the same way. The logic for this faulty conclusion is clear: if I'm not happy, then I've been unable to arrange things the way I want them. Which makes me feel like a schlump. But what mortal can arrange everything the way she wants?

I like Robinson's approach much better. It's a lot less arrogant. And it could be a huge relief -- if I ever entirely convince myself.



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Hacked! And Inspired!

Someone sent 2,096 of my friends and colleagues an email Friday trying to sell electronics devices. If the message made it past your spam filter, sorry for the intrusion.

I discovered this state of affairs tonight--didn't pay much attention to my email over the weekend.

But I stayed unusually cool...all on account of an inspiring manuscript I'm reading. A young writer to whom I provided only the slightest bit of help sent me her completed novel asking if I'd consider writing a blurb for her brand-new agent to send out with the manuscript.

First, it was exciting to see what she'd done. Then I spent most of the day reading it: and the book so inspired me. The story, a whimsical delightful romantic fable, put me in the mood to relish the minor difficulties of life as part of the big game.

I'm not always inclined to take that attitude. The last time I played a driveway game of pickup basketball, some decades ago, I got irritated because people kept waving their hands in my face.

Today's delightful reading reminded me that the waving hands and other obstructions are part of what makes the game.

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The Bad News, The Good News

A radically mixed day: two pieces of bad news and one piece of good news. All coming from different directions and none of them my story to tell. The bad news is about friends' very difficult situations.

So I have today the challenge of holding hot and cold in my hand at the same time. Dealing with each requires different strategies.

In practice, this adds up to flicking back and forth, back and forth, in my attention.

It also adds up to: very preoccupied. Tried to drive to the Post Office and passed it twice before I remembered to turn in. Keep staring at my laptop and waiting for it to do things I haven't told it to do.

I have to say that sadness is getting a whole lot more time. That and a feel of dislocation: shiftings just beneath the earth's crust.

I guess my plan is to keep on with the back-and-forth -- let it have its way -- and drive carefully.

--and then, of course, I googled and found an idea worth considering. I didn't agree with everything in this health blog post, but I did like the idea of focusing on feelings of love for all concerned.



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The Kaizen Way

This afternoon I heard for the first time about how a Japanese business management technique can be usefully adapted to making positive changes in one's life.

Like lightning, I rushed to Google this new word: kaizen.

The basic idea, as explained in One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer, is to make improvements in such tiny increments that resistance doesn't bother to kick in.

I love this idea. It could explain the ancient puzzle described by Paul in Romans 7:19 "the good I would do, I do not." I've never understood why it was often difficult and sometimes apparently impossible for me to do the "good I would do."

If I make too large a resolution, fight or flight kicks in and wins. Nothing changes.

Here's the story of a man who tried this approach and found it gradually and easily quite successful: How to Overcome Hesitation, Fear, and Laziness to Achieve Your Goals.

I have had an idea that the minimal approach works with writing: I'm ever suggesting to clients and workshop participants that they make a commitment of, say, 5 minutes a day. Nobody fights writing for 5 minutes, and once you've begun you tend to keep going on a lot of days. And even doing things 5 minutes at a time, they eventually get done.

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Self Defeating Thoughts 3

It's the first weekend since I've been writing down self-defeating thoughts--as a way to get rid of them. This process of "therapeutic homework" continues to be an education.

Obviously, I don't have a big enough sample to claim I've discovered a pattern. But I do notice that I've written down many more of them today Saturday --and it's only 4 o'clock--than in several weekdays combined. What's different: I'm not at work today. I'm guessing that without the tight focus of work my mind can stir up more trouble. (And I just recently ran across the term "leisure illness," referring to getting headaches, colds, etc., on taking time off.)

What also interests me is the fact that I'm having a good day. If I weren't keeping tabs, I'd barely have registered most of the bits of self-sabotage. But I suspect that they have a cumulative effect anyway.

Another finding that surprises me: these thoughts are very diverse. Ranging from telling myself that I won't get a grant I've applied for, to remembering saying the wrong thing to someone about 15 years ago, to grandiose expectations of myself and what I should be doing. Also, a couple of times I've imagined someone doing something to make me mad, and then had an imaginary argument about it, the entire scenario a fabrication. I have to ask myself why I would take the trouble to manufacture that last one.

Just had another S.D. Thought--"What am I doing blogging about my mental health when I should be helping Haitians?"

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Self-Defeating Thoughts

Tuesday morning my shrink suggested I write down any self-defeating thoughts I have in the course of the day. I can't honestly say that I've had any since then. That's three days without. I'm impressed. Who knew a cure could be so easy? Try it. And, if you will, share how it works for you.

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A Writing Schedule

Oh, shucks. I thought I was about to shut down and go home for the day and then I realized: not yet.

Saturday at the workshop I taught, I asked participants to devise and make a commitment to a realistic "sustainable" schedule for doing their own writing.

At the same time, I silently made a new commitment to my own. I vowed I would do some work on my own writing (in addition to critiquing manuscripts, meeting with writer-clients) on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. At least.

Here it is Monday, at 6:31 and I haven't yet done it.

So...reckon I'll get to it now.

Care to make such a commitment yourself? Or report on how yours is working out?

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"...To Take Control of Your Life"

It's a rare book that changes my life in an instant. In fact I think there may be only one (not counting the ones I've written.)

Book 5 in my series of Rediscovered Treasures is Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life.

What this book Boundaries does is view proper protection of your time, space, and self as a crucial moral practice. The authors, Henry Cloud(gotta love a website called drcloud.com) and John Townsend, lay out their argument based on biblical quotes. So the thinking is Christian. But you don't have to be Christian to see that they're right: being a pushover is squandering life. If I let myself be run over and diverted from what I know I'm supposed to be doing, I'm up to no good.

Conquering Fears of Saying No

When I read this, quite a few years ago, I was entirely convinced. Before that I'd had a niggling underground conflict that a really good person would be able to do her stuff and everyone else's too. That conflict was dead well before I got to the last page. I've never even had to review the book again. It worked. Like a magic bullet.

Powerful book. Have a look at it, especially if you're in the habit of letting yourself be blown off course.

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Create an Easier Way

My psychologist husband tells me I like to create "Great Wall of China projects." And it's true that I seem drawn to doing things the hard way. For example, I made a quilt with a needle and thread.

But I'd rather not have to do everything the most difficult way, or the high-stress bear-down-hard way, especially finishing books. Which brings me to:

Book 4 in my personal series of Rediscovered Treasures

The book is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson, a wise fellow indeed. My natural inclination is to sweat the big stuff and think it's all big stuff. So I like this book a lot, not that I've put a huge lot of it into practice.

Here's one title of this collection of tiny, pithy essays about taking it easier and having a good, productive life anyway.

"Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can't Be Superachievers"

Carlson makes several excellent points in this 4-paragraph gem.

*getting out of emergency mode does not mean giving up good results
*fear and frenzy get in the way of creativity
*feeling calm and peaceful makes for better concentration

Good, yes? I'm going to reread the whole book. Slowly. Peacefully.

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Boldly Grateful

A wise friend recently told me he feels gratitude is the key to success in life.

I already knew that genuinely feeling grateful does a lot for one's health and happiness. But as I thought about it, I realized how effective a focus on gratitude could be for making alliances, working with people, recognizing opportunities, and so on.

And it does feel better than griping about what's not right.

Probably it cuts down on self-consciousness, fear, and irritability as well. Anyone who is in the midst of reveling in the wonders of what she has been given probably isn't simultaneously in a swivet about the oppressive to-do list, money pressure, how the meeting this morning should have gone, and so forth. Anyone feeling that kind of ease is likely nice to be around.

Even my computer is more cooperative when I don't swear at it for taking 8 seconds to do something.

It's pretty easy to feel genuine gratitude (nothing's more annoying than the fake pious lying kind) Feeling grateful happens simply by remembering what's good: an 8-second delay in getting into a website is miraculously easy research compared to the old days of driving somewhere to pore over microfiche archives. And so forth.

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On Time or Way Behind?

The feeling of running behind is one that I find hard to shake. Here, from The Daily Om, is a good way to think of it. Important, because nothing is actually gained from going around feeling pressed. The hurried state of mind makes me clumsy and leads me to try too hard and actually slows me down.


"...The delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived....What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come."

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Adapt or Revolt?

"What shall we think of a well-adjusted slave?"

--Abraham Maslow

The answer to that question is not simple. In some situations, coping and making-the-best-of is all that can be done. And what's important is to avoid lingering shame at having done no more.

Other times, adapting is copping out.

How to tell the difference? I think we know in our guts which is which.

One exception: things that kids do to cope get a pass. As kids we simply don't have the resources to do everything we think we should have done back then.

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Split Personality

Overtly being oneself is a great thing and necessary, I think, for a happy life and having any kind of satisfying success in the world.

At the same time, I'd like to think it was possible for all of me to fit in at one place sometimes. With my most high-serious chums, the flip, brash part of my nature kicks in; I'm all McDonald's and bubblegum music. On the other hand, with my most unhesitating, just-do-it, no-nonsense friends, I'm more likely to become Ms. Brooding Artist.

Probably just a playing out of my own conflict about having such disparate halves. I'm actually pleased that it's so, serves me well in a lot of ways. But it creates a sort of friction too; I'm ever pulling the wrong club out of my golf bag. And, curiously, doing it on purpose.

Decades ago, I told my therapist Nick Stratas as we walked out his office door that I had a strong identification with two people: 1) his famous-opera-singer sister Teresa Stratas and 2) the then-governor of North Carolina, Jim Hunt. Different jobs. And it would appear, very different temperaments. Therapist's response in short: "inner conflict."

I had the same conversation around that time with my brother Franc Payne; I told him that my problem was that I had our father's tumultuous interior and our mother's stoic exterior. He said, "you've got your daddy's hormones and your mama's Methodism." Neither of those descriptions do justice to either of our parents. But they do make a fair sketch of me. I'm assuming something of this sort of mixed-bag-ness is true for everyone. Which is one of the challenges of "being one's self."

How about you? How many people do you embody? Or do you feel yourself to be all-of-a-piece?

(In any event, thanks for listening. This has been a great relief.)

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A Hidden Cost of Chickening Out

"The fascinating thing about self-sabotaging behavior is that it actually takes an enormous amount of energy and mental stress, much more than if you just took the action you wanted or needed to do in the first place. The mental stress of feeling behind or beating yourself up for how a situation in your life could have been better is a lot more work than moving forward with your original plan of action."

From Maureen Keyte of the Spirited Woman.

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How to Stand Waiting for News

A curious thing about waiting: some research I read recently said that people who've recently learned they have cancer are in better shape emotionally and show less physiological sign of stress than those who are waiting to hear their biopsy results.

So when waiting is wearing us down, here's a bold thought: there's no reason to fear, because we're already going through the worst of it. Getting the news, whatever it is, will provide some relief.

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Dare to Unwind: It's a Summery Thing to Do

From the Daily Om, "Tied in Knots":

"We don’t have to tie ourselves in knots. Instead, we can let the ribbons of our energy unfurl to gracefully direct us...."

I think that probably means: go swimming. Which I did in the ocean at Wrightsville Beach, NC, on Saturday. Bright sun, low tide with big waves breaking close to shore and a current running parallel with the beach. Briefly chilly, then blissful, with wonderful ocean sand underfoot. I could feel my ribbons of energy unfurling....

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A Morning Sabbatical

Self-employment is supposed to offer the advantage of setting one's own hours. In practice, most of us work a lot more hours than we would on a job.

This morning, however, I went hog-wild; stayed home and picked up around the house and did a summer's worth of ironing, etc. You might not view that as the boldest move; but boldness is relative. For me, it was an adventure. And I'm now feeling quite satisfied and accomplished.

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Intuition

In the last 24 hours, I've had a strong sense that I've lately neglected the intuition part of my operation: both for information gathering and decision making. I'd say that's been going on for 2 to 3 years.

I've been meditating again this year, after a long lapse. I once went seven years when I missed only a couple of days of meditating. Then I stopped. What I decided at that time was to do it when I felt like it. That turned out to be never.

So in January I started requiring 20 minutes a day of myself. Now, as during those earlier years, it's good for my writing. I also feel that that 20 minutes has led me the recognition that I've been ignoring a major resource. And that can make a person start feeling a bit parched.

So now I'm reminding myself to make sure I've consulted God and my unconscious and any other unseen forces when I'm wrestling with specific questions.

I've also been reading Judith Orloff's Second Sight. In fact, I brought it to my office to read with lunch. That's always a sign that a book really has hold of me.



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Itchy for a Call

Since Monday I've been on the alert for a phone call. Monday is when the itching started. First my head, then an arm...and so on. It took me four days of scratching to think what is usually my first thought about any physical complaint: could this all be IN my head rather than on it?

That thought, as well as a chat at dinner with psychologist/hypnotist husband Bob put a sudden and total end to Itchy-and-Scratchy. The problem was gone. It should always be so easy.

And: I should refrain from using my creativity and magic in this way. There's no end to the trouble I can make for myself. Better to make up novels.

Bob reminded me of a New Yorker article on itching and the mind, aptly titled "The Itch." that talks about how the mind may be filling in info from tiny bits of data: connect-the-dots. Called the "brain's best guess."

My research also turned up someone who itched during yoga, another whose feet itched when she washed dishes, and one who itched whenever her hands were full with two bags.

With me and the business of a phone call, I think it may come down to the fact that I'd rather be active than passive, rather do something than wait. Surely I can find something better to do.

I'm starting to feel a faint tickle as I write this. Must stop now.





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Red Hair, Blue Jello: Are You Hungry or Tired?

Monday afternoon and night, I was very tired. So I ate a lot. Not exactly logical or a solution to the problem, but overeating felt like the right thing to do.

I've long known that a gutsy move would be to learn how to figure out which bell is ringing and answer that one: i.e., sleep when I'm tired, eat when I'm hungry, that sort of thing.

Instead what happens is, if I feel a shortage of any of the basics, the solution seems to be to do anything that feels good. At another moment this week when I was impatient to get an email that hadn't arrived, I bid on a pair of gold driving loafers on Ebay. And years ago, when I'd been waiting for months for a visa to spend a winter in India researching my novel, I dealt with the problem by putting a very red rinse on my hair.

So this morning, I googled "needs confusion." What I mostly found had a punctuation mark in between: "...needs. Confusion..." I did learn some interesting facts: that blue food is a natural hunger suppressant. (I should tell this to the folks who run my regular lunch spot, the K&W cafeteria, who frequently have blue Jello in the salad section at the front of the line.) I also learned that others have failed to find an easy solution. From the blue-Jello blog: "It would have been helpful to receive a user manual with your body. I would have settled for one page, hand written or even just an outline."

The answer seems to be:
*pay attention to the signals.
*And then, the tricky part: do something relevant to the actual problem or lack. That takes discipline, which is one of the often-unrecognized and very important pieces of serious and effective boldness. I like the leaping component better.

There's also a parallel problem to this needs-confusion that I run across fairly regularly: when work has to be finished on deadline, I sometimes vigorously set to work at breakfingers-speed on something else. As if some free-floating sense of urgency were all that was needed. More on this one later.





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