Scandals and Confessions

Years ago, when I was a reporter covering the NC legislature, I was standing talking with someone outside an office door, when the representative came out and jokingly handed me his tear-off calendar page for the day. The wisdom thereon was: Sin Boldly, which is attributed to religious revolutionary Martin Luther.

Perhaps because of the context and the fellow who was handing it to me (good-looking and known as squeaky-clean), I've always remembered it.

Having recently watched the John Edwards political disaster right here on my home turf, I've decided I want to expand the original adage.

Here's my version: If, after careful thought of potential wreckage, you're going to break a deal or violate your own values, do it boldly and honestly, with graceful acceptance of the consequences. Or tell reporters: It's private. Buzz off! Or at least don't tell indignant lies into the lens of a TV camera.

Most of us tend to have a jovial interest in an out-and-out rogue, and sympathy for a good guy who stumbles and comes clean. One way or the other, we tend to admire the boldness of full honesty (which is different from Too Much highly personal Information.)

But it's a rare individual who admires furtiveness. And it's such a human impulse to ward off blame. I remember saying once to my brother Franc: No, no, you have those papers, not me. It came out of my mouth like a reflex, a hasty self-defense; at best, I think I was hoping he had those papers. Turned out they'd been with me all along.

So I can't throw stones at the sneaky; it comes so naturally to us all.

But I do admire those who can say from the first: Yeah, I did that. That was me.








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Life Lessons from Olympic Sports

Syndicated columnist Rick Horowitz has written a funny and spot-on creed based on what we learn from days of Olympic TV watching.

"From this day forward, I stick my landings. ... From now on, where I land is where I stand....I will maintain my positions for at least two seconds."

And of course this solemn declaration ends with cutting to a commercial. Check it out, if you haven't already read it. It's both inspiring and funny.





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How To Make an Entrance

In case you missed it last Friday night, have a look at this 8 minute video of the 2,008 drummers at the Olympic opening ceremony in Beijing.

I want this group to announce the publication of my next book.

China has announced itself boldly. Though I've always been a fan of understatement, yet this is thrilling. I'm also a fan of individual voices, and yet the impact of this many drums beating together is like no other.

Perhaps it's good to be flexible, to be able to be loud wen needed, and part of a group when that's the best way to get your message across.




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Small Town Grace?

Walking up to a stranger at a gathering and starting a conversation takes a little psychic effort for a lot of us.

Yesterday, I saw that done repeatedly as if it were as effortless as checking email.

I was at a funeral at a Baptist Church in the little town of Buies Creek in eastern North Carolina. As I paused in the narthex after the service, and later at the lunch in an assembly room, people one after another came up to me and introduced themselves, explained how they knew the family, how they were related, and so on.

They did it so gracefully that I began to develop a theory: that they were all members of the congregation and this was their Sunday morning practice with visitors. That's true in churches I've attended, but I've never been the one to go over and speak to the stranger. Here the greeting habit seemed culture-wide.

It was very nice. I felt welcomed and engaged; the greetings turned easily into interesting brief conversations. These encounters did not seem dutiful. Each chat seemed motivated by genuine interest and good nature. (This doesn't happen to me everywhere I go, and I did not spark it by wearing a funny hat.)

It made me feel like leaving some walls down and seeing what happens.



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The Happiness Project

Wednesday, which is today, is "Tip Day" at the site called The Happiness Project. If you look to the lower left side of that site you'll find the index of previous Wednesday tip lists for what I think of as: how to live.

Examples:
July 2: 5 tips for giving good praise.
July 16: 9 useful yet REALISTIC personal productivity tips. (..."don’t postpone any task that can be done in less than one minute.")
June 25: Tips for talking to someone about an impending divorce: dos and don'ts.

As I see it, "how to live" is really what we talk about on this site as well. Boldness and Happiness are both about living right, or effectively, or satisfyingly.

Is it safe to say that we have to be bold to be happy? Hellen Keller thought so, saying that life was either a great adventure or it was nothing. What do you think?



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Boldness and True Colors

I know an attorney, a black man who has a white girlfriend and an office in a yellow house with a red motorcycle parked on the porch. Once he came to my office door eating a lollipop of I-forget-what brilliant color.

Something tells me this is a bold man, with a life in "living color."



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Anxiety is So Damn Tiring

In an average month, roughly 4 million people Google the word "anxiety." Last month, that number was up to about 5 million. That's a lot of us. And some of us who tend to be tense have never even done a search on the word.

I bring this up because I'm prone to freefloating anxiety myself, which expresses itself, for example, in the fear I made some ghastly error which I'll soon find out about or left a door unlocked or a burner on. Weird intangible stuff like that.

When I have real things to worry about or to be upset about, my perverse reflexive strategy is to feel anxious about something unrelated.

For example, I'm currently feeling the effects of a distant relative dying Saturday (a blow for a bunch of people who are close to me), another family member having tests for worrisome symptoms (a long drawn-out process), and yet another one who is sick and refusing treatment that could solve the problem.

My response: to worry about my work, to fear (quite irrationally) that I won't get projects finished fast enough, to be a bit twitchy, and feel my immune system going on vacation. This is all just as crazy as driving back to the office at night to be sure I locked the door. To deal with this, I'm advised to:

1. meditate
2. exercise
3. be sad
4. and then just go about my business.
But these are the times that it's difficult to get myself to meditate and get exercise, to stick to the usual disciplines.

Instead, I would like to simply stop being anxious, without having to do all that. Conversely, I could simply decide that anxious is how I am just now and ignore it.

The main thing is: it's tiring. It takes energy I could use in better ways.

And based on Google figures, I'm not the only person like this. So what shall we do about this? Meditate and exercise? Surely there's an easier way.

Let's invent one. (Note: when it gets pathological, drugs help a lot, but aren't the whole answer.) (Additional note: overeating while feeling nothing is not a good strategy at all.)

Imagine how the world might improve if four million people a month were doing something more interesting than Googling "anxiety."



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Why Create This Blog?

I've asked myself this question a number of times: why blog? For a writer, it does provide exposure and interaction with readers. It's promotional.

That's the supposed explanation.

But the fact is, I don't think that a huge percentage of people who visit here immediately rush to find one of my books. (Could be wrong, I hope so.)

I think I do this because I feel like it. It's a pulpit, a place to vent a bit, an easy outlet: no editors, no delays. I like the feeling of it.

So I tell myself, as I spend a significant amount of my work time doing this, that

1. I'm writing, and that's always a good thing
2. I may well publish some of this sometime in a collection that people will pay for, which is important since writing and consulting to writers are my "day job"
3. this fast and casual writing gives me ideas (is that true? does it really? not sure)
4. it primes the pump for work on my book (that's true for sure)
5. it does create at least some interest in my other work

But back to the main truth: I like doing it. It reminds me of what's fun about writing, which can get lost in revising for publication and all the attendant struggles. Writing itself is what inspires me to keep writing.



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Courage as a Way of Life

I hesitate to mention this, since it could easily be viewed in a "sideshow" way. However, on this occasion my better instincts are at work, and I'd like to ask you to look at this situation in an empathetic way.

Last night, as I was doing my crunches and channel surfing, I came across on The Learning Channel a documentary on a pair of conjoined twins, formerly called Siamese twins. These girls, Abby and Brittany Hensel are 15; they are two distinct personalities, two people. Each girl has a head and a face and a mind, and otherwise the two of them share one body, each with feeling on her respective side of that body.

At first glance, it didn't seem possible. After watching them being interviewed for a few minutes, my startlement wore off and they seemed to present simply another of the endless million variations on ways to be human, on how to be confident, outgoing sixteen year old girls.

One of the experts interviewed said that the singlets in the world have a couple of important things to learn from those who are conjoined. One is openness to a wider range of human differences, and the other is cooperation. Brittany and Abby have to somehow come to an agreement moment by moment about their every action, and they have to coordinate movements, each of them in charge of one arm. Even so, they manage to drive a car, type email, etc. I can barely imagine the complication and difficulty of that.

Neither they nor their parents treat them as limited. Their friends seem to see them as two regular girls. Anyone who ever felt odd in high school would have to be profoundly impressed by what these girls take on every day and treat as normal life. I'd add a third item to what I can learn, and that is courage as a way of life.



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Take Charge of Your Situation

"I once ran into a wise old friend, and he asked how I was doing.

'Fine, under the circumstances,' I replied.

He raised his eyebrows and laughed:

'What, pray tell, are you doing under there?'


What circumstances are you under? List three moves you can make to rise above those conditions?"


From Zing: Five Steps and 101 Tips for Creativity on Command by Sam Harrison


(Added thought from Peggy: when you write down what circumstances you're under, keep it short, a sentence or two. The idea is to go beyond the situation, not sink deeper into the mire of it.)




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Throw Off Minor Depression

I was in a truly shitty mood this morning: bitter, sad, angry, depressed simultaneously. (In short, visit with adult stepson did not go well.) The mood threatened to last for the rest of my life.

It lifted when I did one useful small thing that made me feel effective. All I did was drive to a Verizon store and say that two phone accessories weren't working right. One they replaced for free; the other for $16 (it hadn't come from Verizon.)

I left with working equipment and rising spirits. Not simply because I had a headset and a recharger that worked. Instead, because I'd demonstrated to myself that I could be effective, even at running a small errand that had no connection with the original problem.

That kind of remedy is always available. Maybe I'll remember it quicker, should I ever fall into such a state again.

Oh, it's good to have a blog to be able to share such wisdom!





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Brilliant Brillante Blogs

This blog has received the Brillante Award. I'm taking that to mean brilliant, and am delighted to be selected.

I'm to pass the honor on to seven other bloggers whom I find sparkling. The following are quite different from each other and all hold my attention:

The Growing Life, "Alternative productivity,anti-hacks for living"

Diva Marketing "An approach to marketing that's fun, bold, and savvy..."

Four Angels Momma: "Learning to soar with our feet on the ground."

Daily Spiritual Guide "Insights for a healthy and positive life."

The Sartorialist "Selected as on of Time magazine's top 100 design influencers."

Metaxu Cafe "A network of book and cultural blogs..."

60 going on 16 Reading and writing in the English countryside




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Go To the Trouble to Have an Adventure

A few years back I realized that I'm sometimes too lazy to do the little things that would make me more comfortable. Like get out of bed and get a quilt. Or turn on another light, or get a tool I need. Because it's just easier not to stir myself.

At that point I started telling myself: go to the trouble to get comfortable. It's really worth the effort involved.

This week I was driving home from work a little early, it was still light. Passing Jordan Lake, I realized that if I pulled over, I could inflate my kayak, which was in my trunk, and take it for a sunset spin. So what that my work clothes would get wet; they were washable.

So I took the trouble, paddled out on the glassy lake for about a half hour, and came in feeling as if I'd had a week's vacation. It had taken fifteen minutes of effort to get the boat out and pumped up. Well worth the "trouble," even for such a wee adventure. I mean to remind myself of that when I'm feeling like not bothering.




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Gandhi in the 'Hood

After almost four years in my downtown Raleigh office, I have discovered that a larger-than-life-size statue of my hero Gandhi stands in a courtyard three blocks from my desk.

Here he is, located behind The Marbles Kids Museum, the model of a man who put his boldness to good use.



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Fear and Power

The wickedly funny David Sedaris confided to People magazine recently that he'd been "here" for almost fifty years and was still afraid of everyone and everything.

An earlier People profile had suggested that he'd gotten over his fears. "An anxious child, he found an outlet for his energies in high school theater and art programs. 'I thought he'd be a normal kid eventually,' his father observes. It took a while."

In fact, Sedaris has made a career and a splendid body of work out of his anxious responses to the world. (See him on Letterman on YouTube.) Instead of wasting energy fighting himself, he uses his peculiarities, his fears as rocket fuel.

It's a strategy that came to my mind once in an unexpected way. Years ago, I found that night after night when I meditated, Gandhi would show up in my mind and say, "Play Chinese checkers." He didn't respond to questions about why.

Then one afternoon in my office I was in a terrible mood. Employing one of my standard perk-up devices, I left to wander for a bit in a nearby antiques mall. There I saw hanging on the side of a booth an old Chinese checker board, with all the dents for the marbles. A voice in my head said: "Use the obstacles to get where you're going."

At that point I remembered how the game is played. In order to move your marbles to their destination, you have to have an opponent in front of you to leapfrog over. You have to "use the obstacles to get where you're going."

And that's what Sedaris has so brilliantly done.





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Blocking Out the Consequences

"Courage is the ability to block out consequences and do what you think you have to do."
Glenn Fitzpatrick, Esquire general
manager, in an essay on his life with Lou
Gehrig's disease

Gandhi said something similar: forget the fruits of your labors, simply do the work and then step back.

How to step back? Not so easy. But I find that the intention itself takes me a long way toward that goal.

What this all translates to for me is: writing without worrying about whether the piece is going to sell. Curiously, satisfyingly, I find writing that way has turned out more easily saleable work.




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Tough Love

“I used to think that self-care meant taking it easy, pampering myself, and avoiding things when stress hit. Now I know that doing the thing I'm most afraid to do is the best way to take care of myself.”
--Cory Fransway, from Judith Wright's More e-zine



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Do Something Extra

Last night, for the sheer fun of it, I wrote the most bizarre little item I've ever written (and there's considerable competition in my oeuvre for that honor.) It was a one-pager, a humor piece (my intent, anyway), aimed at the slot that The New Yorker fills with satire and wordplay.

I won't burden you just now with the details of that story. What I want to say is that it was a delight to do. It wasn't like work at all. Not like revising my long-time novel-in-progress, which has its pleasures but is work.

The light free feeling came because this writing was extra, and I had no thoughts weighing on me about whether the piece was going to turn out to be good, or saleable, or both, or neither. Writing it was a loose unweighted walk, after a day of backpacking. Though it took four and a half hours, a substantial amount of time.

The same principle--do a little something extra--works in other arenas than writing. The book I co-authored with Allan Luks, The Healing Power of Doing Good, notes that people dealing with overwhelming job pressures and looming burnout can ease their feelings sometimes by doing some little useful extra that nobody expects or requires of them.

It works because:
*it puts the power back into the hands of the doer
*it's a reminder of how much fun the work (without external pressures) can be



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Creativity Equals Fearlessness?

Once when I was talking about my novel Sister India at a book club, one of the members made a comment about days when she feels creative.

I thought to myself: Feel creative? What's that like?

I take a rather workaday approach to writing: come into office, sit down at computer, write. There's no special feeling involved.

But today, I have to say, I think I felt what she was talking about. Maybe. What I realized was that I had no sense of dread or hesitation about taking on anything. I felt fairly confident I could do it well enough, whatever it was. (We're not talking about curing cancer, instead about writing paragraphs.)

Many days I start in again on a project in spite of a nettlesome grain of doubt, a feel of driving with the brake on. Once I'm working that goes away. Today it wasn't there at all, don't know why. But the absence of it, I have to say, felt creative. I'd like to work that way every day.

What's your experience? Is this kind of hesitation familiar? Do you simply force yourself past it, as I so often do? Or do you sail into your most challenging work with full glee?



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Flunking Creativity

The Epstein Creativity Competencies Inventory for Individuals just scored my answers on a 5 minute questionnaire. My score: a pitiable 70%!!! This is well below the level where I'm told I should be concerned.

I lost major points for not keeping a tape recorder by my bed at night, and not changing my work environment very often. (My office partner moves her office doodads and arranges flowers and such almost every morning. Me, I check my e-mail.)

Go take the test and see how you come out. It's at the very least a reminder of useful creativity techniques. (But how could I flunk, when I've never run short of ideas?)



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