"Your Most Brilliant Innocence"

"Just when you're sure you've gone as far as you can go...you will find the secret to a sweet, fresh gamble that will awaken your most brilliant innocence." That's my delightful horoscope from a local weekly for this week of surgery.

For some time, I'd been wanting that kind of refreshment: a return to the excitement about writing I had for the first 30 or so years.

Then, only in the last few weeks, I've been thrilled to feel that way again when I started researching the mysterious artist Miss Chant for a biography. I still feel this new excitement, had a deliciously fruitful research trip last week, sat and took notes in the lady's very bedroom, read her packing list for a trip (which included "three bottles of wine, corked.")

But maybe this week offers new discoveries, certainly a sort of gamble. In any event, I look forward to this most brilliant innocence. Even the phrase inspires me.

Wild Talk

I just read about a woman who, in the narcotized dream-state after her surgery, felt the nurses were evil aliens trying to harm her. She rallied once for a moment and heard her husband in the process of apologizing to a nurse for all the terrible things she'd said.

I'm wondering what terrible things I'll say in the same situation Wednesday morning. I used to have a fear--from early life to just a few years ago--that on my deathbed I might say or not say something in my ravings that would hurt someone's feelings. Suppose someone were left out, for example, or didn't get enough of my final air-time. Or there was some misunderstanding I wouldn't be alive to get straight. I finally rid myself of this grandiose worry, when Bob, my husband, persuaded me that anything I said at that point would be expected to be a little wacky.

So now I'm merely curious what I might come up with, what my wacky dreams will be.

A Peculiar Crusade

I need your help with a campaign. My recent medical adventures have ignited a small new passion: to get some kind of anesthesia made available for a very painful exam that lots of women have to go through. My informal poll shows that half my pals have been there at least once.

Like being stabbed, an endometrial biopsy is fairly quick but hurts like hell. A friend who has gone through childbirth twice said this test was the worst pain she'd ever felt. And it's routinely done (at least in my town) with no painkiller of any sort.

Here's what I'm asking: suggest to any gynecologist you know that they offer some kind of numbing of mind or body for this procedure. (To men who've read this far: tell any chum of yours who's in this line of work.) A doc who starting doing this would be a sure superhero of mythic proportion. Women would probably fly from all parts of the continent just to have this test.

I've already talked to my doctor though as of Wednesday I won't have the parts for this kind of exam. And let me say, I'm not one who is angry with the medical profession. Quite the reverse. I'm permanently grateful to my doctors and others for the treatment I and several loved ones have had. But I'd feel like a passive sheep if, feeling strongly as I do just now, I didn't speak up about this unnecessary pain.

The Weird Forms that Fear Takes

Though I feel pretty cool now about having this bit of surgery next week, I did notice that I've done a couple of things that I do when I'm scared and don't know it.

Yesterday morning I spent about a half an hour obsessing about what earrings to put on. Finally, I solved the problem by changing tops. If I have trouble getting dressed quickly in the morning, then for sure some uneasiness is stirring.

My other signal is when I see myself calmly do some automatic action in a nonsensical way. Pour orange juice into the jar of peanut butter instead of the glass--I stopped just short of doing that this week. Once years ago, on the morning I was taking a checkout dive to get my scuba certification, I methodically tried to put a pair of pants on over my head.

With tactics like these I've pretty much managed to avoid feeling fear directly. Am I the only one? Do other people do this?

A Highly Personal Question of Boldness

On Monday my doctor set before me an unsettling decision. Some "atypical" cells had showed up in a biopsy. Not cancer, I'm happy to say. But cells that are "wanting to become cancer."

So I was to decide whether to have a hysterectomy and remove any risk forever, or have a lesser procedure, something on the order of sweeping out the cells with a whisk broom, and then be closely monitored for the rest of my life.

It took me 23 hours to decide. I was clear when I woke up Tuesday morning: Have the big operation. As soon as possible.

By that time I could also ask myself: in such a situation, is there a "bolder" course, a "more alive" choice? It would likely take more courage to have the threat of trouble hanging over my head forever; but I don't see what I would gain.

The decision I've come to seems literally the one that's "more alive." It's the one more likely to keep me alive longer. My choice now seems to me a no-brainer. Which it sure didn't two days ago.

At this moment, I'm somewhat interested in what happens next. I'm so healthy--haven't been in a hospital except as a visitor in almost 50 years. In the next few weeks, I will probably find out a few things about myself and life that I don't now know. And I plan to rent movies, read a lot, take excellent painkillers, and require a lot of attention.

"Most Alive Choice"

On a website called Planetsark.com run by the writer SARK who writes about living "juicy," I just now came upon the delightful idea of "most alive choice." I think if I put it into action it might sometimes pull me away from my sofa and Hershey's Kisses and my People, Allure and Vanity Fair magazines (not that there's anything wrong with any of that.)

The idea is to ask oneself at moments of indecision or transition: what is my "most alive choice?" Lots of times, I'm guessing, the most alive thing will be to act in a way that's not habitual. I'm going to try it out, see what happens. Will let you know.

Write a 6-word Story

Yesterday I ran across an article about notable American authors asked to produce a 6-word short story. They produced some little gems. Funny, too.

What it brought to mind was my nephew Tucker at age 4 telling his relatives that he had learned to write. What he wrote as a demonstration was this: Aunt Peggy is a bad girl. Six words. Not a story exactly, there's no conflict or action. Nonetheless a lot is implied. Certainly he demonstrated that he can write fiction.

This morning, I thought of a 6-word sort-of-story that, at about 14,I thumbtacked to my bulletin board over my desk in my teen-age bedroom. It was a Weyerhauser recruiting ad with the headline: Send Me a Man Who Reads. Again, though, the rest of the story is implied.

It's not an easy assignment: to set up a character and a problem and a resolution in 6 words. Give it a shot and send the results. It's a fun problem.

"Loose as Ashes"

At the dentist's office this week, I enjoyed a half hour of nitrous oxide which set my mind loose a bit more than usual.

This loosey-goosey-ness is a state I want to be able to produce and enhance, without aid of a mask and a tank and a dentist. It's at the heart of creativity. I think it's the reason that so many people who are good at one art form are also pretty decent in another. I have a book called "Doubly Gifted," a collection of the paintings of well-known writers. John Updike paints well and so do a lot of others.

My theory: once the mind is freed of the usual rigid connections--how a nose is supposed to look--then it's possible to see how a particular nose looks. And once frozen mental images and standard connections are dismantled, new combinations can occur.

It's a bit like doing the puzzle "Word Jumbles," the one where you unscramble letters to make a word. I visualize the letters greased so that they can slide in every direction, take new positions. Some days I can do all the word jumbles in the paper at a glance; other days the letters stay rigidly in their place. I've never checked to see how my writing correlates with my word jumble facility at a particular moment, but I wouldn't be surprised to find a connection.

Some famous baseball player--can't remember his name--said that the right way to be when you step up to bat is "loose as ashes."

How do you get that way? I find that exercise helps.

By the way, my brand-new, week-old research on my first-ever biography is sailing. This woman was a living mystery.

Cross-Training

A few years ago, I took up the practice of bad art and found it has helped me with my writing.

I started doing peculiar arts-and-craftsy things, as whim dictated, without bothering to learn how to do it "right" or laboring over it to make it good. The results are far from show-pieces. They're typically odd or half-baked, fall into the "interesting-idea-but-poor-execution" category. The homemade, old-hippie kind of thing.

Projects so far have included: painting swamp grass on the gas tank, painting the Buddhist Eyes of God across the width of the woodshed, beading a four-foot leaf as an outdoor flag, a couple of mosaic tables, etc. Currently I'm beading a three-foot long fish which I'm planning to hang over a hall window. If you looked at the number of beads involved in a three-foot fish, you might wonder if I have enough to do.

Indeed I do have enough to do, and slapping together my little projects helps me do my work better. The handwork seems to loosen my brain a bit. I can think without focusing on what I'm thinking about. Ideas float up. The range of possibilities seems wider. Also, beads and paint are physical; and that's a refreshing, delicious change from the mental play of writing.

Maybe one of these days, I'll be so bold as to post a photo of one of these projects. We live in a log house on a dirt road through deep woods, in a county dotted with other artists-in-hiding. So the adornments do sorta fit. In the meantime, I'd be interested in hearing about any cross-training ideas of yours, any activities that are fun and at the same time improve your game.

Pivot

This week I executed a quick turn-about, put aside a book I'd written only two chapters of and started another. For me, this is unusual; ordinarily I'm a compulsive finisher.

I was seized, though, by a thought that has been with me since I was about eight years old. I first heard this mental chime ring at an outdoor fair in my hometown of Wilmington, NC. I know I was young enough that day to be running through the crowd, laughing and yelling, chasing and being chased by my younger brothers and a friend.

That day I heard--or overheard--about a woman who had lived on the street where the fair was held, until her death two years before I was born. This woman was an artist who lived in a "cottage" and was almost unimaginably odd. And these were the 1950s in a small conservative Southern town. The image I conjured of her felt charged with magic. I've never forgotten her.

Recently I decided to do a little research on who she was. Wednesday afternoon, sitting in a library at UNC, I came across a bit of evidence that clinched my decision. It was a line in a xerox of a page of her diary: this woman (I don't know why I feel I shouldn't say her name just now)had the same peculiar experience as the main character in the novel I'd just begun. I'd already written that scene.

My course seemed clear then: write both books, and because of my flood of excitement, write the biography first. Though I was in a library, I made some sort of ecstatic crowing to celebrate the moment, though not at the level of uninhibited sound as that afternoon at the fair. (I don't think anyone even looked up.)

However quiet, it was a big deal, this turning. I don't think I've ever performed such a pivot, professionally anyway. Yet I feel certain of the rightness of this course, whether anyone but me ever wants to read this book. Have you ever made such a sudden about-face in your work? How did it turn out?

JUMP!

Two excellent bits of advice arrived in the comments to "The Diving Board." I was talking about my daily hesitation to begin writing, the habit of lingering on the end of the diving board.

The aptly named JimWing said: "JUMP! No matter how baffled or unsure you are, grab a concept, or even a wisp of a concept and start writing...."

Focus on the process rather than the outcome, said Billie. "Why am I on the diving board? Because I love to dive. So-- feel the board beneath my feet, the sun, the air, the smell of the water. The anticipation of cool, and my favorite part, the swim up from the depth toward light and air. With all that going on, whether the dive is a 10 or not becomes not so important."

My personal adaptions: I could give myself a reward for starting to write within x minutes of getting to my office. And then remember how I felt when I first started writing: the dreamy process of fiddling with words.

After reading Billie's description of the dive, I think I want my reward for starting to write to be going swimming.

The Diving Board

It's Monday morning. I had a quiet, rainy, restful weekend. Now it's time to get back into the swim. And here I stand on the diving board. Hesitating. Please send encouragement. Remind me that the first dive of the week doesn't have to be a ten.