Obsessive-Compulsive Haircuts

My hairdresser, like me, has a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder. So we tend to compare notes on meds and how we're doing.

Once she noted that we'd gone a whole haircut without touching the subject, and didn't that speak well of how we were both doing.

Today: haircut at 11:15. Forty-five minutes from now.

I'm doing fine with this OC stuff. And one small part of the reason is getting to talk about it as she and I do. Having a comrade-in-arms helps build all kinds of courage. And gets my bangs out of my eyes.

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The Courage to Face Death

Yesterday I was finishing an edit on a nonfiction book proposal from my three months in Varanasi, India. (I was there doing research for my novel, Sister India.)

In the proposal is a scene from the first time I visited "the burning place," the riverbank pyres where corpses are burned and ashes placed in the Ganges. Watching a human body catch fire is disturbing, even if it's a stranger, and seen briefly and from a little distance.

Hours after that experience, I felt as if the ballast in my interior was rolling around. I felt all atilt. I've read that material a number of times since. But yesterday it got to me again, as if I were seeing it for the first time.

The fact that we die and are physically destroyed is shocking. I find it incomprehensible.

We are all very brave to put up with it.

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The Encouraging Largeness of the World

Foreign accents filter through the door from the office next to mine. My friend and colleague Carrie is taking part in a conference call/meeting. I think she's talking with Australians about some joint arts project.

I like hearing this murmur from the other side of the world. It reminds me that the world is large and the possibilities nearly infinite.

For a while when I was in my twenties, pre-Internet, whenever I felt low I went to a newsstand and bought a New York Times. It reminded me that the world was larger than whatever--

No, wait! The voices in the next room are from South Africa, I just heard a reference to Johannesburg.

Anyway, having a look at The Times reminded me that my options were larger than whatever limited set I was focused on that day. It inevitably worked, if only a little.

Yesterday I was posting about the power of following our particular passions where they lead, into deeper knowledge and engagement. Today, I remember that a wide view can also be greatly inspiring and exciting and en-couraging.

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Follow Your Bliss

Follow an interest with passion and energy and it becomes very particular. Not just interest in dogs, but deepening interest in particular breeds or particular aspects of dog training or some such. Husband Bob is fascinated by big exotic breeds. Here's a Boerboel (a South African mastiff type) that we drove several hours to meet, never mind that we already have one at home.

I consider following an interest where it leads to be a bold and enriching exploration.

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A Ten-Adventure Weekend

Just back from a 3-day weekend to the NC mountains and then to the Charlotte area with husband Bob. The itinerary was determined by two things he had in mind to do: go to a black-belt testing in Blowing Rock and then see some dogs at the home of a breeder who raises the same kind of exotic mastiffs he now has. (8 month old Aura is a Boerboel, which is a South African breed.)

My agenda was to hike in the mountains (that was Saturday) and to paddle my kayak in Lake Norman, the largest lake in the state, near Charlotte (that was Sunday). Today we had a spontaneous retail adventure in an Ikea, the bold Swedish business innovator that sells home and office stuff like nobody else in the world. I'd been to one once, Bob never had.

That worked out to three adventures for me, and four for Bob, and one more for each of us, if you count the rather intense conversation we had for an hour while waiting for check-in time at the Lake Norman Motel, Restaurant, and Marina to be ready. And possibly one more, if you count skidding in with minutes to spare in time for Bob to run his 5:30 psychotherapy group.

The number of adventures is my test of an excellent vacation. And it occurred to me this weekend that I could start looking at regular days that way as well.

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Adapt or Revolt?

"What shall we think of a well-adjusted slave?"

--Abraham Maslow

The answer to that question is not simple. In some situations, coping and making-the-best-of is all that can be done. And what's important is to avoid lingering shame at having done no more.

Other times, adapting is copping out.

How to tell the difference? I think we know in our guts which is which.

One exception: things that kids do to cope get a pass. As kids we simply don't have the resources to do everything we think we should have done back then.

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Starting the Day Stupid

Overslept. By two hours! Then forgot I'd had a morning appointment at Autologic about a car problem. Then stumbled around trying to make sense of things. Finally, rolled out toward car shop and the rest of the day.

Now it's just past noon. People at AutoLogic quickly did the necessary check, and I was out of there and on to the next thing, as if I'd started the day in a smart and organized and capable way.

It's tempting (for me at least) in the case of a screwup, to say: the hell with it, today's shot, or at least the car repair venture is. I try to rememember at such moments, large or small, that order may be reclaimable: do what I can as fast as I can.

Sometimes when I've dropped something valuable and fragile, I have a quarter-second thought: that's lost; and I'm already starting to grieve before it hits the floor. And then the next quarter-second thought kicks in and I grab it and sometimes "save the day".

Important to remember: first do what can be done, on matters large and small.

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Degrees of Anxiety

"Most people believe only in degrees of jeopardy and live in degrees of greater and lesser anxiety, but never in true relaxation."

quoted on Gaiam
from Paul Richards, co-author with Patricia Richards of Wild Attraction, a Ruthlessly Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationship- a book about the effects of subtle energy on relationships.


Note from Peggy: It never occurred to me that what I think of as relaxation might be merely a reduction in tension. Maybe this relaxation is a place I've never visited. Will explore further.

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Risk Analysis

Going to the moon probably requires some boldness.

The 40th anniversary of the first moon landing was yesterday. I was twenty when it happened and it still seems unbelievable to me that anyone has done that. I like the idea that something can be permanently amazing. And that anyone has the nerve to visit another celestial body. Or to put up with a loved one making the trip.

I doubt if I'm going to the moon. Not my brand of gumption. Not what I'd risk everything for.

It's not that we have a finite quantity of courage and if we use it up it's gone. Quite the reverse. Bravery, even in small daily things, engenders more of the same.

But risk is another matter altogether. Lots of things that require some nerve--making a difficult phone call, perhaps--don't have any real risk. I once knew a fellow travel writer who waited as late as possible to head out to the airport for a flight; so there was always a mad rush on the road. She did it on purpose, saying she was "a risk-taker." I thought that was pretty stupid.

She was risking missing the flight. The gain was a few more minutes at home. Not a good trade-off.

When faced with something that scares me, the real risk involved is one thing I think about. That, and the potential gain.

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Media Trend: Tough Women Who Triumph

"Getting By With Brassiness" was the headline of the story in my local News and Observer yesterday.

It pointed out a change that I'm surprised I haven't noticed: the string of new female lead characters who are gutsy and tough, yet still star. They're not fallen women, or drugged-out, or whores with hearts of whatever. They're clear-eyed and outspoken, see the emperor's new clothes, and yet they don't get punished for it. They're attractive women.

Edie Falco as Jackie is one. I always thought she was sturdy and attractive as Carmella Soprano; I even named my 1992 flower-painted gotta-keep-on-ticking automobile Car-mella Camry.

But as Nurse Jackie, Mon Dieu! What a force! And yet still feminine and a healer.

This is delightful progress, both on TV and in books: "The new breed of brash, audacious woman has pushed into literature as well. Lisbeth Salander, heroine of the best-selling mystery novel The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, is 'prickly and irksome' but somehow still alluring: 'She was like a nagging itch, repellent and at the same time tempting,' the narrator notes in the book by the late Stieg Larsson, published last month in paperback by Vintage."

Not that I wish to be a nettlesome person myself. Or brusque or brassy or even no-nonsense.

But I like the fact that I have that choice, and that the freedom doesn't have to come at such a devastating cost as one's femininity or a happy ending.

Here's to Julia Keller of The Chicago Tribune who noticed and wrote the syndicated article.

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Sports and Lipstick...at Any Age

My elderly husband (67) and I (60) had dinner in a sports bar Friday night, the Salem Street Pub. I never did that before--though I once edited a story that importantly took place in one--and didn't do it this time on purpose. It looked like a cafe sort of place, and the patty melt had been reviewed as the best in my local three-city area.

It was very, very loud. There were many large TV screens showing different kinds of games.

And it was kinda cool, though I've never been much for spectator sports. Women's fastpitch softball was an inspiration. I was pleased to see that one excellent batter was wearing make-up. I love the idea that you have don't have to give up lipstick to play ball. That we can combine whatever elements suit us individually, which makes the terrain more interesting for everyone.

The patty melt was excellent, too.

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In a Maslow Mood

The famous "growth psychologist": Abraham Maslow is someone who is in huge agreement with me (but he got there first.) He's the guy who went global with the idea of "self-actualization." Another guy, Kurt Goldstein, actually came up with the idea.

It's not a very sexy term, but it's a dazzling goal. Essentially, it's making the choices and doing the things that will best lead us each toward full potential, in mind, body, and spirit, in work and in love. Who could argue with that?

On the other hand, who consistently lives by it? Maybe two percent of us do it most of the time, Maslow said at one point. And that's partly because much of the world's population is occupied with trying to be safe and well-fed, which has to come first.

But even on a full stomach, it's not so easy. I find that some of his bits of wisdom remind me of my self-actualizing intentions. Here are a couple of my favored Maslow quotes:

“We fear to know the fearsome and unsavory aspects of ourselves, but we fear even more to know the godlike in ourselves.”

“The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.”

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Brass

Browsing the magazine-swap corner at my local library, I ran across a small treasure that I, a magazine junkie, had never heard of: Brass Magazine. Publishing for five years, it appears to be a financial/inspirational magazine for young people. Mantra: "young today * rich tomorrow."

If it were just about money in conventional numerical terms, an old English major like me would be bored. But I started freelancing full-time when I was 22 (that's 38years ago now), and I could have used this info and encouragement about running my one-person business. (My best help on this was my entrepreneur mom, but at that age I wasn't greatly inclined to seek too much help from a parent.)

In the Feb. 2007 issue I picked up, the point seemed to be helping people get started at "doing their thing" and doing good as well as well. And the cover story was about, of all things, a poet, Carlos Andres Gomez!

The column "I'm Young, Not Dumb" by CEO Bryan Sims showed some of the ironic difficulties the young entrepreneur faces. When he applied as a student for "independent" study credit for running his own business, he was asked to call the work an internship and have one of his "more experienced" employees to sign off as his supervisor.

The advice he gives: "...We all find ourselves in frustrating situations that seem unfair. Keep going. And along the way, make sure you don't make the same mistakes. Don't judge people by their appearance or age...And if someone tells you your dreams are impossible, go do something about it. Go prove them wrong."

I need to be reminded myself not to discriminate based on age; I very often make negative assumptions about people under twelve who are not my nephews.

Probably most of us can use some encouragement to keep on paddling toward our dreams. Might be some help also to people of any age who are still novices at the financial part of dream-realization.

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Split Personality

Overtly being oneself is a great thing and necessary, I think, for a happy life and having any kind of satisfying success in the world.

At the same time, I'd like to think it was possible for all of me to fit in at one place sometimes. With my most high-serious chums, the flip, brash part of my nature kicks in; I'm all McDonald's and bubblegum music. On the other hand, with my most unhesitating, just-do-it, no-nonsense friends, I'm more likely to become Ms. Brooding Artist.

Probably just a playing out of my own conflict about having such disparate halves. I'm actually pleased that it's so, serves me well in a lot of ways. But it creates a sort of friction too; I'm ever pulling the wrong club out of my golf bag. And, curiously, doing it on purpose.

Decades ago, I told my therapist Nick Stratas as we walked out his office door that I had a strong identification with two people: 1) his famous-opera-singer sister Teresa Stratas and 2) the then-governor of North Carolina, Jim Hunt. Different jobs. And it would appear, very different temperaments. Therapist's response in short: "inner conflict."

I had the same conversation around that time with my brother Franc Payne; I told him that my problem was that I had our father's tumultuous interior and our mother's stoic exterior. He said, "you've got your daddy's hormones and your mama's Methodism." Neither of those descriptions do justice to either of our parents. But they do make a fair sketch of me. I'm assuming something of this sort of mixed-bag-ness is true for everyone. Which is one of the challenges of "being one's self."

How about you? How many people do you embody? Or do you feel yourself to be all-of-a-piece?

(In any event, thanks for listening. This has been a great relief.)

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A Writer's Platform

I've just discovered a book I'm wildly excited about: Get Known Before the Book Deal: Use Your Personal Strengths to Grow an Author Platform.

This addresses what seems to be a Catch-22 for a lot of writers at various career stages: the current need to be semi-famous in your field to help an agent sell the book. The author has to bring ever more to the table in the way of a waiting audience.

This book is the best thinking I've seen on the subject of how to do it. And it's aimed at both fiction and nonfiction, extrovert and introvert. You don't have to be techie to understand it. And it doesn't make me feel bad, as some experts do, that I haven't done all the suggested things already.

Author Christina Katz, also known as Writer Mama, has been "Empowering Writers Since 1998."

You'll likely be hearing more about this book from me. Or maybe you'll just see the dazzling results.

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"...There Are Always Difficulties..."

"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them."
Ralph Waldo Emerson discovered at Wisdom for the Soul

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She Writes

For women writers: a brand-new info, networking, and promotion resource, SheWrites.com has gathered 5 short of 2,000 members in its first two weeks. I joined. I think you might find it inspiring, useful, and one more place to "show your stuff."

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Frost's Freedom

Today's inspiration:

Freedom lies in being bold. ~ Robert Frost

from: Senia.com Positive Psychology Coaching

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Climb Every Mountain?

"When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it....Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe."

From Friday's Daily Om

I'm not so sure about this one. I made a vow years ago to refrain from taking dares; they tend to lead me in the wrong direction.

On the other hand, when a door opens and I feel I might not go through it because of fear, then I force myself. I had some hesitation about taking on co-authorship of The Healing Power of Doing Good. A buddy of mine said to me as we stood in the line at the K&W Cafeteria: "Don't weird out on this." I'm glad I didn't.

What do you think about this walk-through-every-door idea? Am I just taking this too literally? If I pay attention, I can see that doors are opening every day and it's impossible to go through all of them.

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Hot Pink

Hanging over my office building's door this morning.


Even the gentlest pastel can go bold.

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The Courage To Hand Out Hamburgers

I've long thought that the people who work the fast-food drive-through windows are superheroes. They have to take an order at the same time they're delivering another order and making change. If I hadn't seen it a thousand times, I'd swear it was humanly impossible. I think it takes a lot of gumption to take up that kind of juggling at all.

There are a examples everywhere of such everyday courage. Flipping through an old Sun magazine last night, I ran across an essay about the kind of emotional fuel such work requires.

From "They Always Call You 'Miss'" by Alison Clement:

"There's more to waiting tables than you might think. It takes courage, for one thing. You walk up to a table, and everyone turns to look at you, as if you're about to deliver the opening line of a play....You have to act as if you know what you're doing and everything is going according to a plan....You have to remember: Gin and tonic to table 8; man at 12 is late for a meeting; nut allergy on 5. You have to remember it all and not get overwhelmed."

If I start to feel down on human nature, I think about the ordinary things that people muster the courage to do every day.

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Courage Quote

Offered by Mamie, the Quote Queen:

The highest courage is to dare to appear to be what one is.
- John Lancaster Spalding, First Bishop of Peoria, 1840-1916.

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The Many Brands of Courage

What's bold for one person is routine for another. We all know that, but I find it so easy to forget--until once again I see someone confidently run a multi-team project that would make me want to retire to a quiet room like a rock singer with exhaustion. Or until I see someone quaking over something I don't blink at--like flying or public speaking.

I find it very hard to wrap my mind around being worried about flying. No effort is necessary, no getting-it-right. One need only sit there and flip through a magazine. To understand that kind of fear, I need the sharp memory of some of my own kinds of nervousness: about entertaining, or being a house guest, or steering someone wrong somehow. Those are stupid fears, the first two anyway.

We all manage to do and finally enjoy things we're scared of. It's a triumph we ought to give ourselves credit for. And it's a marvel and a delight how differently we're each put together.

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Gavriel Lipkind, Carrie Knowles, and the B.C.O.

I don't know how to say this properly, because I know so little about classical music. I'm a fan of hip-hop and old rock and roll. I play the serious stuff mainly as background while I'm reading, and go to classical concerts mainly to get dressed up and go out on the town with friends and sit under nice chandeliers and listen to pretty music that I don't usually recognize.

But last night I went to a concert that was extraordinary. Even for a clunk like me.

Israeli cellist Gavriel Lipkind played with the Brussels Chamber Orchestra (of Belgium) in Raleigh in the official opening night of the Cross Currents Chamber Music Arts Festival, an international chamber music festival created and put on single-handedly by my friend and office partner Carrie Knowles whose son Neil Leiter plays viola in the Brussels group.

For most of the last year, Carrie has sat in the office next to mine and raised money and gotten visas and such and made this ten-day festival happen. What she has done is an amazing demonstration of what one person can accomplish (in spite of my telling her repeatedly and unhelpfully that she was mad to attempt such a thing. Just watching the process from next door was like having an office next to a heliport)

Well, the Brussels Chamber Orchestra, a conductor-free group of a dozen or so young musicians from half a dozen countries, played beautifully and were intriguing to watch. Then they brought out their soloist, Lipkind, whom I'd had no special interest in because I was mainly listening for Neil whom I've known since he was a wee fellow. The Belgium-based musicians had met the Israeli cellist in Norway.

Lipkind and the BCO together were an astonishing treat. And at intermission, I caught sight of Mamie, a regular here, who called out: I'm looking forward to reading about how bold he is.

I hadn't even thought about writing of the experience. Sitting on the second row, I was too overwhelmed. Lipkind, in a black "bat" shirt and long gold curls, is the most physically expressive, playful, and joyous musician I've ever seen. It's not reaching for a metaphor to say that he was making love to the music.

I can't tell you a thing about his or anyone's pizzicati (and I'm not sure if that's a word or if it's a word meaning little pasta), but it was thrilling music to watch and to listen to. And the interaction between him and the other musicians was like watching a celestial drama.

Seriously bold. Nobody holding back.

And this group of musicians and Carrie did their job well, at least in my case, since it's part of their mission to bring chamber music to new audiences.

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An Annual Celebration of Courage

The Fourth of July is a celebration of boldness. From one year to the next, I forget that it’s more than a day that the mail doesn’t come, more than a day of vacation. (Though I’m self-employed, I generally loaf on the same days the rest of my world does.)

But yesterday both Prairie Home Companion and the celebration on the Mall in D.C. stirred once again my pride in the best of the U.S., and that includes having shaken loose to become an independent nation. It took some serious and costly shaking to make that happen. Some of my scrappy old relatives were in on it—all but one on the side of Independence (and that one Royalist had to have had a bold streak as well).

This legacy isn’t all good; one of the same relatives led a company of soldiers that destroyed several Native American villages.

I’ll probably never pick up a musket myself—or a handgun. I’m lucky never to have been faced with the decision. A big piece of that “luck” is that others have insured my independence. My responsibility is merely to have the courage to fully—and wisely—use it. Once again, the fireworks and the music remind me.

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Ropes Courses and Such

I have a friend who, with her husband, has raised three exceptional children. One of her philosophies is, instead of giving children toys, to give them "real things." They didn't do skateboards or TV (except for the World Series). But if a kid wanted a banjo, he got a real one, not a baby version. And instead of playing board games of risk, he competed by volunteering in a real political campaign.

I thought of this again when I saw last week in my local paper a story on mountain climbing as a way to develop the goal orientation and other qualities needed to start a business. My philosophy is: skip the mountain challenge (unless you're in it for the fun) and go straight to starting the business.

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"The Man on The Radio in the Red Shoes"

A stirring way to celebrate the bold occasion of Independence Day: Prairie Home Companion's live show tomorrow at 5:00 Central Time in the Wobegon-like town of Avon, Minnesota. The program also celebrates the 35th anniversary of Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home creation, as well as "the birth of freedom," as GK says on the promo on the website. For those who can make their way to Avon, the show is free, as it also is on its regular NPR stations.

And if you're a GK fan, as I am, make sure to see the new documentary on his life: The Man on the Radio in the Red Shoes. It aired two night ago on PBS' American Masters series, and you can order the DVD. This portrait shows a bold imagination at work and will at the same time make you feel happy to be American and human.

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Call Your Congressman Monday

An invitation arrived here that's open to anyone who has things to say about improved health insurance coverage:


"Event: National Strike for Health Care Reform

"Put an end to murder by spreadsheet. Demand an alternative to private, for-profit health insurance. Demand public, universal health care coverage."

What: Protest
Host: You -- and as many fellow citizens as you can assemble
Start Time: Monday, July 6 at 8:00am
End Time: Monday, July 6 at 6:00pm
Where: Everywhere in the United States of America

To see more details and RSVP, follow the link below:
http://www.facebook.com/n/?event.php&eid=93893269141&mid=a8e182G4b0e108aG8f29dbG7"

I don't have a detailed plan in mind myself for health care insurance reform. But I know for sure that we need it.

This invitation, as you'll see if you follow the link, suggests staying home from work and buying nothing and calling Congressmen all day.

I disagree, especially in this economy, with the idea of skipping out on a job and boycotting already-endangered retailers.

I do heartily endorse the idea of a nation-wide call-in insisting on reform that makes sure everybody has good affordable health insurance, with coverage that is pro-health rather than a Catch-22 system where, for example, it's impossible to know whether a procedure is covered until it's done.

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Making Waves

Out in my kayak on Jordan Lake on Sunday, I made several dozen efforts to shoot a picture of a wave.

This is not an ocean wave. It's a lake wave on a fairly calm day; mostly it's wake from a motorboat. But up close from a little rubber boat, such waves can look and feel pretty impressive.

Which is how it is with making waves in daily life. Moments of unaccustomed speaking up can seem huge, disruptive. But the water does calm down again.

Water movement in a pond can make life better there; keeps it from getting stagnant.

(Speaking of appearances, the water in this lake is more blue-brown than cerulean most of the time. I didn't see it as this blue when I was taking this picture. And I didn't enhance the color of the photo with my computer. Just a bit of kayaking magic, I guess.)

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